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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Making Lemonade...


Hello all you happy people. I know I have not posted in a very long time and, as usual, I have my reasons. First I am here in England and I am having too much travel fun to stop and write a post. Second, I am having to deal with something I really didn't think I would have to deal with for a little while longer yet.

 Bullies.

Wait! But the Bean is 6!!!  SIX for Pete's sake! I thought I would not have to suit up for Bullies until maybe middle school, but apparently not. Excuse me sir, but will this utility belt hold three cans of whoop ass? It needs to match these boots.

I am not a helicopter parent. I know children can be cruel, mean, awful, little humans. I have one. Ever heard of Lord of the Flies? Well, it may not necessarily be a work of fiction for you if you have ever witnessed what happens when a group of kids get together with out adult supervision. Pass out the pointed sticks and wait for the bloodshed.

I am also aware that my child is labeled as "special needs".  Well, if my child is special needs, then why does he behave better than the 'normal' children? I have been on the playground. I have been a chaperon. Yes, my child flaps, but your child is an asshole. That is a terrible thing to say, but I have seen it more than once. I have seen children speak to each other, other adults, and even their own parents, in a way I would have never thought of speaking to another human being if I valued my own little life. I totally get not spanking. I know that violence begets violence, but that does not mean your child gets to be an asshole while you patiently wait and hope that as they mature they will realize (on their own) that (that) is not an appropriate way to interact with others. Bullshit. If we all dropped out of the womb with a full skill set, we wouldn't have 35 year olds still living in their mom's basement working at Staples part time. (Just until American Idol calls....)

I have my eyes wide open and I will readily admit that Bean can be a bit of a pest. While he thinks he is playing, he is actually being a pest and disrupting whatever game he has not been invited to join. I get that part. Anybody got a kid that isn't pesky or doesn't listen so well at times? One who wants to be accepted so badly they do not realize the other kids just don't want to play?

I have to repeat social rules all the time. It is my personal hell. Especially when I expect my kid to follow the rules and fit into society when no one else seems to be teaching the same concepts to their kids. And my kid has a few stumbling blocks to overcome along the way? I will slap that iPhone out of your hand! If your parents beat the living shit out of you growing up and so now you don't think its necessary to discipline your child in any form or fashion then you are failing as a parent! You are teaching them there are not consequences for their own actions! Do I hit my child? YES!  I hit my child where it hurts! I take away the electronic devices! Tragedy! Physical violence does not mean anything to a child who can smash into a brick wall (literally) and keep going, but take away the tablet? Get ready to witness one hell of an atomic tantrum.

I would not be so quick to anger if one particular little shit,  the one who punched Bean in the stomach,  had not already executed both verbal and physical assaults on my son.  Lets see how level headed you can be when a 6 year old calls your son/daughter 'stupid'. OK. You think you could let that go? How about if this one child's actions made it OK for the other students to bully your child, too?
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That's exactly what happened.

After the first boy punched Bean in the stomach, a second boy thought it was acceptable to punch Bean in the head.

Anybody want to know what provoked this incident?
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Because they didn't want to play with Bean. They said they were playing a game and didn't want him to join.

I would throw a guess out and say it didn't matter the reason - this little shit does not like Bean. He has been horrible to Bean since we started school here. He is the one who didn't want to play with Bean. The other kid was just a sheep. Or maybe they both hate Bean. At 6?  I really would love to know what in the world could make one 6 year old hate another 6 year old. Is it because he doesn't use his inside voice all the time? Is it because he picked his nose and ate it? (Sorry Grandma) Did he cut in front of you in line? There must be something.

It is very hard to explain to a child with Aspergers the differences in emotional responses on a good day. They just don't get it. Its hard to tell my little guy that in this big, wide, wonderful world, there are going to be people who just don't like you. For whatever reason under the sun, they do not like the sight of you. I know this from my own life. Not everyone is your friend or is going to be your friend. And sometimes your friends turn on you. They have their reasons, however petty or fantastical, for why they do not like you, but chances are it has nothing to do with you.

That's OK. They don't have to like you and you don't have to like them.

The next query you might present is what about the mom? Is she an abusive asshole? Is that where he gets it from? Well? I don't know. One of my stupid superpower strengths is the ability to be empathetic with the enemy. That may be a bit harsh, but I only know what I see of her on the playground when we drop and pick up. She helps out in the school. She hugs my son every time she sees him. But I do not know what happens at home. Where did he learn to punch someone in the stomach like that? Why does he call my son ugly names? Do I think she is a bad or neglectful parent? Absolutely not. Have I ever heard a ugly comment about her? Nope.

She tearfully apologized for her son's behavior. I wish I could give a damn about her sorry. I really do. I wish I wasn't so mad. I wish this was the first time her son has been a shit to mine. I wish I knew how to fix this and make our children get along. I wish, I wish, I wish.....

The other child's mom has yet to address the incident with me. She is probably mortified because her son sucker punched mine, but probably even more so since she and I are 'buddies'.  We stand and chat while we wait for our children. Awkward. (For her, not me...)

I wish I was alone in this and no one else's child was getting bullied. I know all too well this is not the case. I wish I had the answer. I really do. Throat punching a 6 year old is not the correct emotional response in this situation. Wanting to give them a pan of Exlax brownies? Probably deserved, but, again, not the correct emotional response to this situation. (Exlax = stool softener)


The playground teacher saw the whole thing go down. She said it was one of those moments where you see what's going to happen, but as you attempt to get there to stop it - time has slowed down and you're running through sand. The two boys were immediately told off by the playground teacher. Then they were told off by the Head Mistress. The punishment? Missing one 30 minute-ish play session on the playground after lunch. Do I feel this is an acceptable punishment? Nope. Do I think this 'consequence' will deter this from happening again? Hardly. What do I want to have happen?

Firing squad. Drawn and quartered. Caning. Water boarding. Hand print on a backside.

I want this to never happen again.

For the rest of Bean's life.

Impossible, but a mom can dream.



What did Bean do? What did he do with these two children attacked him?

Nothing. He didn't retaliate. He didn't hit back. My 'unpredictable, prone to violent outbursts, can't control his emotions or self"' child, turned the other cheek.  He thought he was getting them in trouble and he felt badly. He thought he deserved it. I thought about an alibi.


The last time we had an incident at school, (the bully stood on Bean's foot and would not get off), I asked Bean as we walked home why he thought (generic name) was mean to him. What he said almost shattered me.

"Because I am happy and (generic name) is sad." (Heart breaks...then fills with pride.)

I responded, "Then be happy, little dude, just be happy."

*Sigh*


Every day is a gift. Every day is a choice. Make a good choice. Its a super power every human has, but very few use.


I'm stepping off my soapbox now.

Lisa


















3 comments:

  1. Outstanding story there. What happened after? Thanks!

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  2. Fortunately, just life. You just move on with your version of 'normal'. It was a learning experience for me, too. The trauma wounded me far more than Bean. He is resilient and mere days later he asked to have a play date with the kid that sucker punched him. He let it go....I had to as well. Thanks for posting!! X

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